When it comes to the entertainment industry there are certain topics I struggle over. I can't see the point in having mindless violence in films, it doesn't often add to the story but instead glamourises things and desensitises us from violent things. I also struggle over abuse and rape storylines but for a different reason. It used to just be something I didn't think about but since Nov 09 it's something I identify with all too well.
I like to think that I'm okay, that watching storylines about it isn't affecting me, but they do. Last night's Grey's Anatomy was a little close to the bone especially when she was talking about how people skirt around the subject. They seem to think that if they don't talk about it, it never happened. But it did. Not talking about it won't make it go away. Equally, talking about it won't make it go away but I like to think that it makes it easier for me to cope with - I won't let it rule me, I can own it. But each time something reminds me of it I slip back and remember. I used to get upset and feel angry but now I just feel sick and disappointed. Disappointed that I didn't do things differently, disappointed that he didn't think it was a bad idea, disappointed that the company he worked for didn't believe me... I hate that it got that far, I feel sick that I even let it happen and I feel worse when I think how much further it could have gone. To this day I still cannot work out how it was so close to rape and yet wasn't, it stopped at sexual abuse only. But the thing that gets to me most is the look on peoples faces when I tell them.
And this is why I struggle when it comes to entertainment. Sexual abuse, rape, physical abuse and everything else along the same lines that I'm not going to list here are not entertainment. They change people. You rarely see the other side of this shown on TV. Sometimes you see some of the psychological changes but you don't see all of it. You don't see the trips to the police station which is very different in real life than on TV. You don't see the panic and utter horror cross the victims face when they get summoned to court for it after thinking they were doing well at forgetting it all. You don't see the sleepless nights, the nights where every time you shut your eyes you remember it all, the nights where you sleep with the light on because you're too afraid of what might happen in the dark even if it didn't happen in the dark. You don't see the trips to the ladies help centre or the counselling they give you or the lawyer they sort out for you. You don't see the court prep, trying to work out whether you can face him again in the court or would rather go for a separate room and be seen on a video screen. You don't see the court day, the panic before and the relief after, or the psychiatrist who sits with you during it all.
As much as I struggled to watch it, I thank Grey's Anatomy for tacking that topic. They handled it well, they didn't glamourise it, they talked about it sincerely but because they did this it felt more real. Yes, they dealt with the medical side of it which luckily I didn't really have to deal with but they also covered some of the psychological side. Too many things just seem to make out that this is something that just happens and you get over it quickly or they use it as 'an interesting twist' in the story. I guess what I'm saying is this. If the entertainment industry wants to use difficult storylines then do it in a way that will educate people, that will empower victims to tell someone if it happens or better still will help stop it happening. Ignoring someone when they say no is wrong. They weren't asking for it. It is not your right.
I may not be able to recall the exact dates off the top of my head because they're dates and I'm rubbish with dates, but I still remember it all. It doesn't just go away. I still remember the flight I took home after court. I now have a friend who works for that airline and as much as I love talking to them I still remember that post court flight. But I'm not going to stop talking to them because of that because I enjoy talking to them way too much. However, not everything's as easy as that. I am damaged. I know I am but I hope that I'll be able to change this.
The next time someone jokes about serious topics, even if it is a storyline in the entertainment industry, think twice before brushing it off as 'just a storyline'. It jumps up on you at times when you least expect it and it'd not fun. Also, please spare a thought for those who, for whatever reason, haven't spoken up. Don't judge them. It's not easy.
Edit: I should explain that at the moment I'm okay. The remembering episodes are less frequent but I still felt the need to write this to make others more aware.
If you are in trouble and need to speak to someone then there are many people out there who can help like http://www.savana.org.uk and http://www.sarac.org.uk - I cannot speak highly enough about Frauen Notruf.
I'll edit this etc tomorrow as my phone is on a complete go slow at the moment.
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RMS Titanic leaving Southampton
I seem to be living in a dreamworld a lot at the moment, just floating along waiting for things to happen, imagining what could happen if people in my dreamworld really existed. Things would be so much better, the world would be a better place. I know the world isn't really like this but it doesn't hurt to dream every so often because a little escapism is nice. It's a change from the everyday monotony that most people experience or even just a chance to escape from a busy life, a chance to use your imagination for a change.
What's struck me recently is the amount of time I've spent wondering about people from my past; people I've met, people I knew, people I called friends. There's one in particular who has been at the forefront of my thoughts this past couple of months and I really don't know why they've been there. Don't get me wrong, it's nice they're there, I'm just confused as to why they're there. I only knew them online, I never met them in real life, and more the shame. I really wish I had met them in real life because they're one of those people who has made such an impact in my life and yet I'm only starting to realise it now.
Yesterday morning I went to an Easter service that started at 5.30am and they were in my thoughts for the whole of it. I don't even think they're particularly religious, not that I can ask them seeing as they've essentially dropped off the face of the earth. I know they're still around, I just don't have any contact details for them anymore. I'm toying with the idea of trying to find them, someone must know something, but I'm not sure. All I do know is I still miss you, Kari.
- Mood:
thoughtful
Marriage.
“When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
... Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.
So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!
If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.
If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life’s failures are people who did not realise how close they were to success when they gave up.
------------------------------------
I don't claim this is mine, it's not. I'm not sure who it came from originally, it just needs sharing. Make the most of what you have :)
'What's a bourdon?'
'A biscuit'
'That's a bourbon you blithering idiot'
*lots of laughter*
'Not only had they not invented sugar, they hadn't invented bourbon biscuits in the 15th century'
Oh JB I love you.
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'Leo's generosity is legendary. You understand instinctively that the true measure of wealth is being able to give it away. Like the Sun, you'll shine on the deserving and undeserving alike. Giving - either of your goods or yourself - brings you great pleasure. Although your generosity is usually pure altruism, occasionally you may have to check that there's not a touch of self interest there; giving in order to provoke a sense of obligation. Sometimes it can actually be nobler to receive than give, allowing other people to feel generous for a change.'
'You can give so much simply by your presence. Like the Sun, when you're in your full glory you make everyone around you feel happy, energised and good about themselves. You're uplifting and fun to be with, and your disarming way of admitting you need love warms the hearts of even the most cynical.'
'Because you are so idealistic you expect the best, from both yourself and others. And when it's not forthcoming you can be devastated. Because you live so much in the imagination, where everything is perfect and sharp corners simply don't exist, you can have huge problems accommodating the limitations and imperfections of the physical world. You're not interested in the petty details of everyday life. Secretly you expect these trivialities to be taken care of by right. The way you throw money about may cause problems in relationships. Part of you believes that money will just materialise when you need it.'
'You love to sweep your partner off their feet. There can be nothing more romantic than being wooed by a Leo. You pull out all the stops, with huge dramatic gestures. Being the soul of honour, once you've made a commitment and given your word, you can be relied upon absolutely to be honourable, loyal and devoted. If you're made a promise, you'll keep it.'
'You like a partner whom you are proud to be seen with. But if they start to upstage you in any way you won't be best pleased. You may become peevish or even try to undermine your partner's achievements. It's essential that you have some kind of creative work that is yours alone to take credit for. Otherwise you could sour the partnership with your jealousy.'
And I'll leave that bit there....
One other bit that's interesting though is that apparently I am a Leo with my Venus in Leo, whatever that means, and have either a morning or evening star Venus. I find much of this quite true too.
'This is a wonderful placement for the performing arts or competitive sports. You're in love with life and love. You love to be noticed, sometimes ostentatiously and outrageously so, and possess an impeccable flair for presentation and dramatic timing. Madonna, who has reinvented herself many times and built a career on flamboyance, is an outstanding example of this. Alfred Hitchcock is another. He delighted in making fleeting appearances in all of his films. It became his trademark and filmgoers would often concentrate as much on playing Hunt the Hitchcock as they would on the film itself. You're warm hearted, affectionate and romantic and like to pamper and spoil those you love. But you do expect obedience. You're immensely proud and can be very touchy if you feel you've been slighted. With your urge to impress people, you may choose partners whom you can show off ans boast about. Clothes and appearance matter to you. You like dramatic, exciting courtships and love lavish parties and entertaining in the grand manner. Once committed to a relationship or project, you are in it intensely and seriously. You're attracted to people whose adulation could help shore up your ego and who give you unconditional love, admiration and tireless support.'
Yeah.. I'd say that's pretty true! I don't like parties normally but high class stuff is a whole different level, I love that!
And now I shall leave you to return to your sanity without my ramblings!
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
Maybe there is something there after all...
To demonstrate...
'Leos have a reputation for being charismatic, creative and confident. But scratch beneath the surface and you're far from sure. You can undermine yourself with secret worries that, when push comes to shove, you may not be up to much. Just as a match doesn't ignite until it strikes a hard surface, you will only find out what you're made of when you're up against a challenge. And some of your most significant challenges come through relationships.'
'Facing the harsh reality of other people can give you some tough jolts. Being so absorbed in your own affairs, you often lack the antennae needed for detecting other peoples feelings. So you can quite unwittingly ignore their needs and tread on their toes. You're mortified when it's pointed out to you, because it dents the vision of yourself as good and kind and noble.
You take it for granted that what you are, do, think and say are the most important things in the world. And so they are and should be - in your world. The trouble is, you tend to see other people as an extension of yourself. That they are actually unique individuals who don't always see eye to eye with you can come as a very unpleasant surprise. It's when you come to terms with these facts that your great capacity for love comes into its own.'
'You need love and attention like other people need food. It's important to have people around you who will pamper and spoil you, otherwise you'll wilt. You're a natural born dramatist with a flair for self promotion, so you have the knack of attracting an audience down to a fine art. But it's only those people who adore you unstintingly and genuinely for what's behind all the razzmatazz who will help you to love yourself.'
'You're no Cinderella, waiting around on the sidelines for the dashing prince to come to your rescue. YOU are the prince or princess, and YOU are the one who does the redeeming. You're capable of making great sacrifices for those you care about. You love to be needed, so you'll happily extend a helping hand to anyone in trouble, making their problems your problems. And since you're an excellent organiser, and extremely liberal with your advice, you generally do a great job of sorting them out. But, needless to say, you do like to be thanked.'
So very familiar... I might do part 2 later, no time for now...
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For the first time in two years I name and shame you Erhan Orhan. DPD delivery driver.
The police here told me it would get easier, and it does. It has. But that doesn't mean I will ever forget it and it rears its ugly head at times when I least expect it.
The strange thing is that when I look back now I wonder why I didn't do various things... but when it actually happens, you don't think. Your mind goes blank. How it didn't end up as rape I still do not know and don't wish to entertain.
It wasn't even like I was 'asking for it'. I had jeans and a jumper on and it was 12 o'clock. The whole thing had finished by 12.15pm... Whoever said that revealing clothing and alcohol fueled things?
Please do me a favour: don't joke about rape or assault. Don't imply that people were asking for it, ever.
I don't mind talking about my incident if it helps others deal with theirs or come forward when it's happened but it still makes me shaky remembering it all, so if you just want details, don't ask. I've been on the radio to talk about this with the only presenter I'd let interview me about it. Maybe one time I will transcribe it.
I apologise if you didn't know but I didn't feel like broadcasting this at the time.
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