Princess Peach - Empress of the World (ladyofsalzburg) wrote,
Princess Peach - Empress of the World

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2009 Season prediction

The amazing psychoseal wrote this a while back when bored, but then mislaid it. Nevertheless, it has now been found. I saw it yesterday and had to share it with you guys because it is absolutely hilarious. And so, without further ado, here is psychoseal's 2009 Season prediction:

The New Regulations
The make F1 interesting campaign

1.1 each previous race winner will be banned from the next race
1.2 The F.I.A makes the decisions on driver line ups.
1.3 The F.I.A can make changes to anything with no warning.
1.4 James Allen will not be allowed to mention Lewis Hamilton more than 10 times during a race weekend.
1.5 The winning driver will sing theirs and the teams national anthems during the podium ceremony.
1.6 The appealing of any F.I.A decisions is banned.
1.7 Anyone who disagrees or complains will be fed to Lex the shark

Driver line up

Felipe Massa
Kimi Raikkonen

Fernando Alonso (F.I.A decision)
Lewis Hamilton

Lucas Di Grassi
Bruno Senna

Robert Kubica
Christian Klien

Timo Glock
Heikki Kovalainen

Juan Pablo Montoya (F.I.A)
Michael Schumacher (F.I.A)

Jenson button
Takuma Sato (F.I.A)

Red Bull
Sebastian Vettel
Giorgio Pantano

Toro Rosso
Nico Rosberg
Nelson piquet

Force India
Giancarlo Fisichella
Adrian Sutil

Season build up
Michael Schumacher celebrates his return to F1 and his 40th birthday by hosting a huge party on his yacht. The party is most noticeable by the absence of his new team mate Juan Pablo Montoya who got lost at sea (because Michael gave him the wrong location). After the party, the drivers make there way back onto dry land. Lewis swims because his latest speeding offence led to Ron Dennis taking away his speed boat, Heikki hitches a ride with Fernando Alonso while Felipe Massa simply walks ashore.

The F.I.A. decide in the best interests of the sport to ban Ferrari and McLaren from the first two races. Also that Ralf Schumacher will replace Montoya until they can find him. Michael funds a global search party.

The Season
As the 8 teams show up for the Australian Grand Prix it is clear the crowd have no interest without Ferrari. The F.I.A realise there mistake and invite Ferrari back only for the drivers to refuse as Felipe is attending his brothers wedding and Kimi is drunk.

In front of an empty stadium Michael Schumacher wins comfortably even stopping for 20 minutes to have a sandwich. BBC's sole focus for the weekend who also answers to Jenson Button started 19th (out of 16) and was able to manage 12th.

After a month of listening to Ralf Schumacher complain Williams chip in with Michaels search fund, the F.I.A try to get Ferrari to race in Malaysia but the drivers refuse because Felipe is delivering his wife’s baby and Kimi is drunk.

The race is won by Fisichella after the F.I.A introduce a “make F1 fair” policy and ban every other team apart from Force India. Being the only one in the race after Sutil is fed to Lex the shark as punishment for complaining about the F.I.A., Fisichella doesn’t actually finish, but is given the win and the points down to 8th place.

Ferrari and McLaren finally turn up. Ferrari minus Kimi Raikkonen who decided he doesn’t want to be beaten by Felipe again so he will only show up at races Felipe doesn’t like. Ferrari reckons Massa can win it on his own so they fire Kimi. Kimi takes refuge with a huge bottle of vodka and a karaoke machine. The race is once again won by Felipe Massa who is now only 29 points behind Fisichella.

Lucas is ordered to go to Ferrari while Renault employs a completely new driver who no one has ever heard of.

The race is won by Fernando Alonso who beat Lewis Hamilton prompting outrage from daddy Hamilton who complained about the F.I.A forcing Hamilton to accept second place behind Alonso. Daddy Hamilton was then fed to Lex as punishment.

Lewis is in mourning for his daddy for a whole minute during the race build up and was starting to annoy the F.I.A so they banned him. James Allen went crazy and broke his quota for mentioning Lewis and as punishment was fed to Lex. The race was won by Felipe Massa and was commentated on by Eduardo Massa and Martin Brundle. Felipe is now only 19 points behind championship leader Giancarlo Fisichella.

After disappearing in January, Juan Pablo Montoya is finally found on a wooden raft freezing cold and starving in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. He is airlifted to the nearest McDonalds. Lex the shark died of food poisoning after eating James Allen and until a replacement shark can be found anyone sentenced to be Lex-food will be kept in the dungeon until a new shark can be found. Kimi Raikkonen was rushed to hospital for an emergency transfusion after collapsing. It was discovered that he had blood in his alcohol stream.

Juan Pablo Montoya fully recovered (with the help of double cheese burgers, ice cream and milkshakes), finishes second behind team mate Michael Schumacher. Hamilton and Alonso have a fist fight on the grid and are fined £20,000 for not giving the F.I.A enough notice in order for them to sell tickets. Fernando attempts to appeal the decision by saying he was a victim – clearly breaking one of the new regulations and as punishment is locked in the dungeon.

Great Britain
Timo Glock won Britain's annual submarine race but the thing everyone was talking about was the appointment of Eduardo Massa as Lewis Hamiltons new team mate.

The F.I.A finally replaces Lex with a new shark and feed Alonso to him. They run a competition among the drivers to name him. Lewis Hamilton wins and the new shark is named Clark. Lewis is given 10 points as a prize.

Michael Schumacher wins in France for the ninth time in his career. His old team mate Felipe Massa and Felipe Massa's brother Eduardo join Schumacher on the podium and the three of them have a karaoke competition after the drinking the champagne and are too intoxicated to do the press conference. The F.I.A doesn’t punish them as BBC wouldn’t show it because Hamilton could only manage 8th place.

Eduardo wins his first race despite having a technical problem with his gearbox and switching to Toro Rosso half way through the race. The F.I.A realise how cute he looks on the podium with his older brother and decides not to punish Eduardo. The man who built his gear box is fed to Clark.

This could prove to be the turning point in BMWs season after a dominant 1-2. Ferrari decided to give Felipe the weekend of, Eduardo was banned for winning in Germany and Michael Schumacher was shopping. So probably not.

Championship at the half way point

1. Michael Schumacher - 50
2. Felipe Massa - 42
3. Lewis Hamilton – 42
4. Giancarlo Fisichella -39
5. Christian Klien - 33
6. Timo Glock - 30
7. Robert Kubica - 26
8. Bruno Senna – 24

The team owner of Force India reminds the F.I.A they never gave them a replacement for Adrian Sutil and that Fisichella has had to double his crash rate in order to make up for it. The F.I.A has the owner fed to Clark and replaces Adrian Sutil with Casey Stoner, as his record of crashing is even better than Fisichella's.

Felipe Massa didn’t actually turn up for the Turkish grand prix but everyone thought he would win anyway so they just gave him the points and the trophy. Rob Smedley collected it for him and took part in the press conference while Felipe organised his victory party.

Casey Stoner decides he needs a rest and Kimi Raikkonen – who has recovered from his illness – replaces him. He finishes fifth prompting Ron Dennis to protest that force India didn’t go through the correct process in borrowing Kimi. The F.I.A feed Ron Dennis to Clark. The race was won by Lewis Hamilton.

Clark quits his job as F.I.A official shark and returns to the wild because he is sick of only eating humans and wants a tuna sandwich. He returns half an hour later when subway refuses to serve him.

Massa realised he was more likely to score more points finishing second than he was for winning so with one lap to go he mysteriously slowed down allowing Nelson Piquet through for the victory. The F.I.A are furious with Felipe but cant find anything in there rules that make what he did illegal. So they make a new one.

Amendment to “The make F1 interesting campaign”
1.8 No driver will be allowed to deliberately not win.
1.9 Any driver said to be deliberately undermining the F.I.A will be fed to Clark

Felipe realising he cant pull the same trick twice qualifies in last place for the Belgium grand prix. After Rob Smedley threatens to feed him to Clark for his woeful performance he fights his way through the field and is closing in on Juan Pablo Montoya when some idiot puts the chequered flag out a lap early. Casey Stoner quit after he got bored, and the F.I.A call up Valentino Rossi who has already won the Moto GP season. On his debut for the team he finishes 6th.

Rossi wanting to prove he is the best at whatever he does, wins in Singapore after Felipe Massa ran out of fuel on the last corner and had to get out and walk. Michael Schumacher has second thoughts about his big comeback and takes the Singapore grand prix off in order to re-evaluate his career.

The F.I.A announce a series of changes for the 2010 season which include installing sprinklers at every grand prix track so that when a race becomes boring they can make it rain. Also upon hearing about Michael Schumacher potentially quitting they drag him back and make it illegal to retire without their written permission. Anyone who does gets fed to Clark.

Following a torrential downpour, the Japanese health and safety executives ban the cars. After 27 and a half hours Michael Schumacher wins the race narrowly beating Juan Pablo Montoya (who is later disqualified and fed to Clark when it’s discovered he got a taxi). Only four people finish the race and the F.I.A., in order to be consistent, give Michael Schumacher the points for 1st and Giancarlo Fisichella the points for 5th, 6th, 7th and 8th.

After a 30 hour run the F.I.A give the four drivers who finished the Japanese grand prix the weekend off. Following the absence of any real stars the race is a BMW 1-2 with Klien taking his first win. Then the controversy returned when Robert Kubica demands the F.I.A give him the win because Klien has a smaller nose. The F.I.A laughs at him and has him fed to Clark.

So close to the end of the season the F.I.A decided not to replace Kubica because they don’t have the energy. Lewis Hamilton illegally signs a new contract with McLaren without clearing it with the F.I.A and gets fed to Clark.

Felipe Massa brings home a Brazilian 1-5 and is joined on the podium by Lucas Di Grassi, Bruno Senna, Eduardo Massa and Nelson Piquet. They are all given microphones and together sing the Brazilian national anthem to millions of adoring fans.

Abu Dhabi
Felipe having won the championship decides to show up and watch it. Lucas Di Grassi wins from pole with Eduardo second and Bruno third. The four of them get extremely drunk and leave Lucas chained to a lamppost naked.

End of season standings:

1. Felipe Massa 94
2. Lewis Hamilton 83
3. Michael Schumacher 82
4. Eduardo Massa 56
5. Christian Klien 51
6. Bruno Senna 50
7. Giancarlo Fisichella 49
8. Lucas Di Grassi 47

Felipe hosts his “I'm the world champion” party. Heikki Kovalainen is discovered under the table with Kimi Raikkonen drunk singing Finnish folk songs. The F.I.A ban Kimi from drinking for a month after he got drunk and thought Clark was drowning and tried to release him, leaving the poor shark so scared of humans he wont ever eat them again.
Tags: 2009, f1, funny, psychoseal, random

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